Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Tomorrow is surely to be the happiest day of my life.
So why are the tears pouring down?
Is it fear? Hell yes.
Is it anxiety? Of course.
But the reason I can't even type this out through a blurry haze of tears is that I'm afraid the "everything else" will make tomorrow too hard, unbearable even.
Too hard for me.
Too hard for mom.
And too hard for Sarah.
As excited as I am for Miles' arrival -- it feels like it's been 10 years not 10 months -- all I can think about is the giant elephant in the room. The person that isn't there. The person we are all going to be thinking about.
It's not fair.
And as that phrase rolls off my brain's tongue, I can hear my dad say, "Life's not fair. A fair is that thing that comes around once a year."
And I'm smiling.
I think about him all the time; thankfully most of the memories (like that one) make me smile. What makes me sad is to think about all Miles is going to miss out on, all I'm going to miss out on, without dad here.
I think about how dad was cheated. He would have been the best grandpa ever. That big, burly guy was AMAZING with kids. Ask my cousins. I think he was the favorite uncle hands down!
He was stoked to hear the news about Miles, well back then the baby was "Poppy." I'm sure dad knows now, but we hadn't learned if the baby was a boy or girl until after he passed away. And Miles has his grandpa to thank (or curse) for his middle name.
I'm sure dad's going to be looking down (hopefully after I'm out of the operating room) and keeping close tabs on Miles, the little guy's English skills, his taste in music and of course that ever elusive curve ball.
I just hope tomorrow -- which I know will be full of tears -- will bring happy thoughts and memories, maybe even a story or two. I don't want it to be too hard. I want us to celebrate Miles and dad's memory together in a happy way.
Anyway, here's a prayer for a healthy baby, a healthy delivery and a blessed family. And here's a shout-out to my dad, who surely is cursing this blog full of run-ons and incomplete sentences. I love you so much, think about you even more often and know you'll be with us tomorrow. This time tomorrow I'll be a momma and you'll be a grandpa!

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