Bittersweet

Tomorrow is surely to be the happiest day of my life.
So why are the tears pouring down?
Is it fear? Hell yes.
Is it anxiety? Of course.
But the reason I can't even type this out through a blurry haze of tears is that I'm afraid the "everything else" will make tomorrow too hard, unbearable even.
Too hard for me.
Too hard for mom.
And too hard for Sarah.
As excited as I am for Miles' arrival -- it feels like it's been 10 years not 10 months -- all I can think about is the giant elephant in the room. The person that isn't there. The person we are all going to be thinking about.
Dad.
It's not fair.
And as that phrase rolls off my brain's tongue, I can hear my dad say, "Life's not fair. A fair is that thing that comes around once a year."
And I'm smiling.
I think about him all the time; thankfully most of the memories (like that one) make me smile. What makes me sad is to think about all Miles is going to miss out on, all I'm going to miss out on, without dad here.
I think about how dad was cheated. He would have been the best grandpa ever. That big, burly guy was AMAZING with kids. Ask my cousins. I think he was the favorite uncle hands down!
He was stoked to hear the news about Miles, well back then the baby was "Poppy." I'm sure dad knows now, but we hadn't learned if the baby was a boy or girl until after he passed away. And Miles has his grandpa to thank (or curse) for his middle name.
I'm sure dad's going to be looking down (hopefully after I'm out of the operating room) and keeping close tabs on Miles, the little guy's English skills, his taste in music and of course that ever elusive curve ball.
I just hope tomorrow -- which I know will be full of tears -- will bring happy thoughts and memories, maybe even a story or two. I don't want it to be too hard. I want us to celebrate Miles and dad's memory together in a happy way.
Anyway, here's a prayer for a healthy baby, a healthy delivery and a blessed family. And here's a shout-out to my dad, who surely is cursing this blog full of run-ons and incomplete sentences. I love you so much, think about you even more often and know you'll be with us tomorrow. This time tomorrow I'll be a momma and you'll be a grandpa!

It's baby time

So my friend David is right... I will never be a regular blogger. Every few months (if even less frequently) I'll post a blog SWEARING I'll be better. I know when I'm typing it is not true, and I'm sure my two faithful readers know it isn't true when they read it (I don't know if I have any faithful readers, I'm just assuming I might have two).
Anyway... Here's another empty promise about regular blogging. I may try to do what said friend David does (I'm such a copycat) and do more Facebook status update-esque blogs with several a day posts. We'll see. If I could figure out how to do this from my phone I think I'd be much more successful.
So enough of all that, on to the actual, too long, blog post...
It's almost baby time (said in a sing-songy head boppy tone)! This time next week I will be less than 24 hours away from being a momma. For those of you who didn't follow that logic (it would have been better to wait and do this tomorrow), the C-section is scheduled for 8 a.m. next Wednesday. So unless Miles checks his mail and notices the eviction notice I sent out Sunday night, July 20 will be his birthday.
And I'm ready. Really, I think I'm ready. And I just don't mean ready to no longer be pregnant -- which I really, really, really am. But I mean I'm ready for Miles to be here. Yes, I'm so flippin' scared it isn't even funny. I'm anxious, I'm nervous, I'm trepidations, I'm all those synonyms. But I'm also ready.
The nursery has been all owled out for weeks now. The clothes have been hanging in the closet with care (washed in baby detergent and all) for months now and the cloth diapers are all put together and neatly folded in their appropriate cubby hole. We even have the car seat installed and have, for the most part, transformed our hoarder wanna be house into a home that will accommodate and welcome Miles and the onslaught of visitors I can't wait to introduce him to!
Yes, I still worry so much about how in the heck we are going to be able to afford this child (he's already wracking up the medical bills with every three-week visits and high tech ultrasounds at a high risk pregnancy center in Indianapolis, gestational diabetes scares, lots of extra blood work, weekly non-stress tests and now a C-section.) I worry that Michael and I will "screw him up." I worry that I won't be able to soothe him and all he'll do is cry. I worry he won't like me or think I'm cool enough. I worry he will battle with some of the same weight issues I did. I worry about him being healthy. Do you get the trend... I worry. I am a McLaughlin after all.
Anyway, even with all those worries, I'm ready. This pregnancy has been far from idyllic. My mom regales me with tales about being pregnant (even with twins) saying it was one of the best times of her life. She felt so special, so wonderful. I guess I've had so much "life" happen around this pregnancy that I haven't gotten that same chance to just focus on the "joys" of pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade the outcome for anything, I just also can't say the physical act of being pregnant has been blissful. It's been full of swollen, swollen feet; cramps and pains; scary doctors visits and phone calls; poking and prodding and no sleep.
All in all, Michael and I are stoked about the joys (and worries) of parenthood.
Come on baby Miles, can't wait to meet you!